Part of why we’re “not fine” all the time is because in one way or another we feel that we’re “not good enough”. Or worse… we compare. The saying has always been that the root of all evil is money. Well, I believe in the 21st century, the root of most evil is comparison. Think about it; is it about how much money you have, or how much money you have compared to your peers? Is it about your appearance, or your appearance compared to everyone else? Is it about the amount of skills and talents you have, or your skills and talents compared to other people? Is it about your children’s abilities, or their abilities compared to other people’s children? Let’s face it, the root of most of our unhappiness is the comparison game we play- it’s us vs. others all the time. No one is above this, we all fall victim to this from time to time.

I’ll throw myself under the bus for a minute. On an average day, I wake up and my head is filled with the projects I want to get down in the house, because almost everyone I know has either a nice spacious home, or is good with renovations. Then I think, hmmm what to do about dinner? Well, if I was (fill in the blank name) I would probably do something new and inventive, but healthy and somehow still under budget… but honestly I’ll probably just have my husband make tacos, because when the end of the day rolls around I’m so spent trying to wrangle my internal struggles with OCD while simultaneously wrangling an active 1 year old, that I know I won’t have the motivation to cook. Ughh, I should do more with my son.. I see (so and so) on Facebook post these perfectly filtered pictures of the latest Pinterest project they did with their daughter. What do I even do every day with him anyway? Am I teaching him anything? Am I the reason he’s not walking or really talking yet? Man I’m terrible at this mom thing. I’m also not that great a home maker- most women from the beginning of time are over worked and overly tired and still push through it to cook and clean. I think I’m going to just stay in this bed 10 more minutes so I don’t have to think about any of it…

And that’s all one train of thought from the moment I wake up- Sound familiar? For men, the comparison may look different in some respects, but the sizing yourself up and beating yourself down, I think universally applies to everyone. If there is someone out there who has never dealt with this or no longer does, please email me, I would love to know your secret!

I’m not going to lie, even reading this back to myself I don’t feel empathy, I see laziness. I’m even thinking that whoever reads this will think that I’m just lazy too. But this is what we do. We compare ourselves to others, and we project our negative thoughts onto others thinking that this is how they view us. Then the resentment sets in; not only are we envious and frustrated that other people are “better” than us, but we get mad that they may think “less” of us, based on those thoughts we projected onto them. It’s an endless cycle.

So how do we fix it? Yes I like to point out problems, but I like to challenge with some sort of problem solving. What’s a problem without a solution?

Last year, I went with some friends to a women’s retreat. One of the speakers was talking about this very topic of comparison, and she made a good point- why are we competing with each other? If someone is rocking it out at work, wouldn’t it be better to give them a compliment, instead of tearing them or yourself down with comments like, “ I wish I was more like them,” or “Whatever, if they had the same struggles I had then they wouldn’t be Mr./Ms. awesome all the time!” The speaker basically said that instead of tearing other people down, or comparing ourselves to them, let’s practice clapping on their accomplishments, creating camaraderie not division.

It was a good message and I really did try to put it into practice; however, it felt soooo forced and painful when I did. Then I realized, how can I clap someone else on, when I’m not even doing it for myself? No wonder I’m creating this wedge between myself and others and inevitably becoming resentful! I’m forcing myself to build someone else up when I’m so broken down. This is where practicing “love your neighbor as YOURSELF” comes in. You know, in the Christian community, the love your NEIGHBOR part is highlighted so much more than anything else in that statement. As a Christ follower, I don’t believe that is what Christ intended; I don’t think he intended for us to love others at the expense of self love or self care. It is great to be outward focused, to cheer others on, to support other people; but you have to do it for yourself first, friend. This is social work 101- self care: because endless giving gives way to endless burn out

So, back to what is the solution? Well, I’m not going to claim that I have all the answers or the just right one. However how about for starters we think of one thing we do well and give ourselves a clap for that? Come on, don’t be that person that says, “well, I can’t think of anything,” False! You have skills! Do you cook? Now I didn’t ask if you are the best cook, I asked do you cook? As in your family is fed and kept alive? Great, I’m clapping you on right now! Are you artistic? Again not the best, or better than Suzie Q over there, I asked are YOU artistic? Awesome, I’m  clapping you on also!

Are you compassionate? Generous? Business minded? Skilled at budget and finances? Musical? A writer? A dancer? A filmmaker? A youth group leader? A stay at home parent? An engineer? A hospice worker? Nurse? Doctor? Social worker? An advocate? A leader? The list for sure goes on. Notice I didn’t ask if you are the BEST or BETTER or even GOOD, at any of these things. Now I’m not playing into the “everyone should get a medal for crossing the street” mentality. I am trying to give credit where credit is due though, because there are a lot of important things we do on a daily basis that get taken for granted and overlooked. You guys, we have to get out of the mindset that we have to be the best or better at something in order to pursue it. For me, I’m not the best cook or the most inventive, but I make it work. However, I’m really good at being a social worker and I have had the incredible opportunity to work with many fabulous social workers along the way. See for me, clapping myself on is already working; because I was able to fill my cup a little bit my natural instinct was to then pour that out onto others, by paying them a compliment.

Also we have to stop ranking skills. For example, throwing myself under the bus again, I see people get complimented who are great at home projects or great home makers, and these are typically skills that you can see the results pretty plainly. Then I think, well I’m a social worker… so I can talk about feelings, but what else am I good at that people can see?

No, just no!

No skill set is better than the other, they are all important and all needed. Also, I have to remind myself that the work I do, can’t always be taught- it’s a gift and a calling. Any social worker or counselor out there knows this. Not just anyone has what it takes to help people learn practical coping skills to manage their mental illness or heal from trauma. All this to say whatever your talent is, it’s unique, and no you don’t have to be the best at it to pursue it. Yes, there are many people with many skills, but practice not comparing your skills to theirs. Clap yourself on, it will make it a little easier to clap other people on, and even create an opportunity for you to learn from each other. I’m clapping you on right now!!

In conclusion, to make a long story even longer (let’s just call it what it is… no one actually makes a “long story short”), here are some practical tips when you find yourself comparing vs. clapping on:

1) Ask yourself- “Am I feeling overlooked and underappreciated?” Often times this, plus exhaustion, can be the root cause of our comparison. 

2) Take that thought captive- instead of giving into the thought, actively postpone it to “think about” later. Hopefully if you do this enough you will be postponing the thought indefinitely. Out of all these tips, I practice this one the most. Our minds can be a rabbit hole and it will go deeper and deeper into rumination, fixation and resentment, as much as you allow it to unless you actively cut it off. Take it from me, I have OCD! 

3) Replace that thought- Along with/or in lieu of postponing comparison thoughts, try to replace them with something positive. For example, if I’m comparing myself to someone who seemingly is the world’s best homemaker, according to Facebook, I will undoubtedly begin to feel resentment sinking in. Instead, I will  take this thought/feeling captive (ehem, step 2- it all links!), and maybe replace it with “Jane Doe is a really good homemaker and I can tell she works hard. I too work hard and am a good home maker.” Sometimes you may need that little “pick me up” statement about yourself in order to negate that feeling of being lesser than.  

4) Assume positive intentions- Sometimes when I find myself comparing it is usually followed by resentment, because I project made up thoughts and intentions onto that other person. For example, I may think “Well Jane Doe is such a good homemaker because she doesn’t have the same struggles that I do,” or “She’s just showing off and probably thinks she’s better than me, so I don’t want to be around her anyway.” I know, this is undercutting and  unfair, and I find typically stems from personal insecurities. Instead, practice assuming the best in people. Again, Jane Doe is a good homemaker because she works hard to provide a good home for her family, and she’s clapping herself on for it! There is nothing in here that is a personal attack on you or me, or anyone. 

5) Practice self-gratitude: Don’t rely on someone else to notice how awesome you are. Practice clapping yourself on by acknowledging one thing you did well today!

6)  Continue to practice clapping on yourself and others! Don’t neglect yourself. List all the things you do well and post it on your fridge, or bathroom mirror. This will make it a little easier to clap others on without comparing, and to truly appreciate what you and others bring to the table!

If you are going to do some “comparing” then compare you to you- compare your present self to your past self, and think about how you can make your future self even better than your current self, (if that’s even possible, because, lets be real, you’re so awesome already ). I know that’s crazy cheesy, BUT this is something you would totally say to someone else, so why not say it to yourself too?

Keep pressing on (and clapping on!)

-Amanda