So ironically, I lost control worse this week than last week when I published my “Lose Control” blog post, lol. Each week of the “stay at home, stay safe” or “ shelter in place” order, whichever term you prefer, has come with different challenges. Ever since the extension of this order to April 30th in Michigan, more stress and pressure had been added and it was clear that everyone was feeling it. Then came the division- the “us vs. them” mindset. That became especially apparent after the events of this week.
Up until now, I had been trying to keep my emotions in check, which is extremely difficult as I am a very emotionally-driven person. I was trying to turn to healthy outlets like my blog, video chatting with family and friends and confiding in them, posting cute pictures of my son on social media, sharing about opportunities to help others during this time, and making time each day for prayer and reflection. However, this week it was getting harder to cope, when I kept hearing stories of those affected by the current crisis paired with people’s decisions that I did not agree with.
So I caved. I posted my concern on social media paired with an article. It wasn’t supposed to be about fear-mongering or even meant to change anyone’s mind, but it was an outlet for me to share my frustration and give people something to consider. But in reality, is that ever what actually happens on social media? Most times, no. What actually happens is the people that already agree with you “like” your post, and the people that don’t share your opinion will continue to disagree with you. There is one thing you accomplish though- more division.
Although I am a very emotionally charged person, I am not a gentle one by nature. I am a person driven by passion, a heart for social justice, and problem solving. The downside of that is I can become easily offended, take things personally, and be aggressive with my wording. I feel like that’s what happened when I made the post on social media.
You know, trying to work through your emotions is like leveling up on a video game; You make so much progress, defeat the villains, collect new tools and weapons that are helpful along the way, and continue to level up. You then get to that really hard level- the one that takes you multiple attempts to actually beat. Then there’s always that one time when you get really really far on that hard level, and you think you’ve basically got it in the bag! Before you know it, you fall into a trap and have to start that level all over again. Don’t you hate it when that happens? For me, that really “hard level” to beat is anger and control- which is fueled by the greatest villain of all: Pride.
I crave control in all situations; yet, I have every opportunity to demonstrate self-control and I don’t.
I spent a lot of time the past two days in prayer and reflection. I asked God a list of questions:
- Are you truly directing people to respond in different ways to this crisis?
- Is our right to freedom truly more important than the health and safety of the masses?
- What do I need to let go of and what should I stand up for?
- Am I wrong in my thinking?
- Am I wrong in my execution?
I felt like God told me that my concern was understandable, but my execution was off. Don’t you also hate when that happens? If you’re a prideful person like me, then the answer is yes. I then proceeded to justify why I posted what I did, and how it was my way of standing up on a justice issue, since that is the person God has made me to be. Guys, I’m arguing with God. GOD. Even if you don’t believe in God, you know that conceptually God is this big almighty, omnipotent being. So the idea of me arguing with Him is absurd, no matter how you look at it.
Then God brought me to this verse, gently and lovingly I might add, being himself the example of what he wanted me to be. Now, if you don’t believe in God, Jesus, or the Bible, just indulge me for a moment and read this next part:
“It will lead to an opportunity for you to witness. Therefore, make up your minds not to prepare your defense ahead of time, for I will give you such words and a wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist and contradict.”
-Luke 21:13-15
When I tested what I wrote on social media against this statement, did it uphold? Easily not. I had prepared my defense long before that post, and it definitely was not used as an opportunity to witness- to show Godly love and kindness to my neighbor. Although my intentions stemmed from a caring place, my words were harsh and my execution was off; therefore it could easily be refuted and contradicted by those I disagreed with. And that, my friend, is the problem with pride.
To put things even more in perspective, God showed me that I crave control in all situations; yet, I have every opportunity to demonstrate self-control and I don’t. Whoa, light bulb turned on. I guess this is what He meant by providing words and a wisdom that can’t be resisted or contradicted. There is nothing I can say to refute that. The only thing I can say is that it’s true, and I’m wrong. Talk about being humbled.
So my friends, when it comes to anger, control, and pride, some things I am working on putting into practice are*:
- Am I showing love and kindness to others?
- Am I preparing my defense ahead of time, from a place of anger and control?
- Are my words harsh and just going to add more fuel to the fire?
- Is this just a cheap shot to put someone in their place?
If I am answering “no” to the first point and “yes” to the rest, then I need to stand down. I need to take some deep breaths, and re-calibrate. There is a right way and time to address issues that are important. However just like I wrote in my previous blog post, “Lose Control”, not everything that bothers us warrants a reaction. For those issues that need to be addressed, you can do so in a way that’s kind, respectful, wise, yet assertive; but even so, the object shouldn’t be to prove how you’re right and “they’re” wrong. Just like a friend reminded me, not everything is black and white. A simple statement, but a powerful one. I’m trying to keep that in mind, so that I can better practice compassion and have a softened heart towards those I don’t necessarily agree with; they have concerns and a story as well.
So, this is me starting over on that “really hard” level. It may take me multiple attempts to beat it, and I hope to receive grace from those around me as I figure it out. However I am confident with God’s strength, that I’ll beat this level just as I have beaten previous ones, and if you have the same problem with pride that I do, I believe you will be victorious too.
Keep pressing on,
-Amanda
* For more information on the themes of criticism, control, and anger, check out Embraced, by Lysa Terkeurst
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