Welp, tis the damn season.
I remember growing up and the holiday season felt so whimsical and magical. Fast forward to now and I feel like the carpet has been swept up from under me and the new year is tomorrow. All my anxiety, frustration, sadness and lethargy aren’t taken out with it- they are the sweepers.
I don’t often think about the connection directly, but I know part of it is continued grief over my father. It’s funny I don’t think about how grief impacts my day to day- having been a therapist previously and all. What can I say, therapists make the worse clients. So instead, I thought I’d share all over my blog for all to read. That’s a better alternative, right?
It was three years this past August, since my father, Joe died. I’m going to be so bold and actually use the words “died’, “dead” and “deceased.” I know those are such cringe-worthy words- but the fact is he’s dead, and without context, what does “passed away” have to do with death anyway? But yes, my father is dead. He was young. He died at the age of 67 from early onset dementia. This diagnosis pretty much meant that he died many times before his final physical death. The last two years of his life he declined quite rapidly and became very child like- which meant my husband and I had adopted him as our third child. We, along with my sister, became part of that sandwich generation, caring for our actual children while caregiving for our father. Did I mention that both my husband and I were working full time at the time? Did I mention my full-time job was as a residential manager at a nonprofit that provided services for human trafficking survivors? Yes, so no pressure right?
Those years had been the biggest blur of my life; three years later and I’m still recalling details and recovering. Before I knew it, my sister and I were planning my father’s funeral. Fast forward to today, and his ashes sit in a beautiful wooden urn in my home. Sometimes it hurts to look at him. I mean there’s not a day that goes by that he’s not in my mind or in my dreams. And now as we approach Christmas this week, I’m sitting here writing this and I feel the pang of missing him.
This time of the year can be difficult for so many people for so many different reasons; then you add grief to the mix, and the perfect storm brews. Maybe it comes in tears, maybe not. As emotional as a person I am, I find it hard to cry for my father. I think the hurt is so strong my mind and body have decided not to allow tears, for self preservation sake. It would be such a sweet gesture, accept the brain is a selfish bastard looking out for number one. No lie, your brain would kill you off just to protect itself (try making sense of that one).
All this to say, if you are someone struggling with grief this holiday season, you are most definitely not alone and you are seen. Also don’t let your brain do you any favors in this area- let those emotions out. Have a good cry, manifest that YELL! Imagine I am right there next to you, holding your hand cry-screaming with you! And I’ll challenge myself to do the same.
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I cannot stress enough the importance of connection. Please reach out to a trusted family member, friend, therapist, someone other than your own mind to express your feelings, especially in this cold, dark, wintery season. Connect with your local community mental health, a doctor, or a quick google search for a therapist that (hopefully) your insurance will cover. Or if that’s not a route you are interested in, find a local grief share group: Need Help Dealing with Grief? – GriefShare
As always keep pressing on,
-Amanda