I hit a wall this week. I did my best to stay positive with everything going on in the world right now; but inevitably, I hit that wall I so desperately was trying to steer away from. I didn’t handle that well- AT ALL. Every scream of my child was like nails on the chalkboard. I was either completely shutting Chris (my husband) out or lashing out at him; the only other adult in my household to lean on for in person support right now, and I was either shutting him out or shutting him down. I must admit, my reactions to things out of my control are not good. Ironic isn’t it? A social worker by trade, and a blogger writing about the merits of coping, self-care, and “pressing on”, not practicing what she preaches?
My attempts to keep my anxiety at bay and OCD symptoms in check were slowly slipping from my tightly gripped hands. I could start to feel the tightening in my chest, the tears well up in my eyes, and the shakiness of my voice whenever I would try to lie and tell Chris “I’m okay,” when he knew that I wasn’t. Some people are really good at suppressing their feelings; I am not one of them, friend.
That’s what anxiety, OCD, and just flat out fear does. It gets its hooks in your brain and clings to it. All my OCD rituals, coping skills, deep breathing got away from me and I completely lost control. However, I wasn’t ready to accept that I had lost control- I was too controlling to admit I had lost a battle to control (if that makes sense). So, instead I continued to micromanage myself. I obsessed on every detail about my parenting and skills my son needed to work on for his age development, promoting my blog, getting more likes on Instagram and Facebook, trying to fix each and everyone one of my OCD thoughts until it “felt right” (OCD sufferers will understand that one). Inevitably though, I became angry when my actions didn’t yield the results I wanted.
Anxiety. Control. Crying. Anger. Control again. Falling apart. Put that cycle on repeat, and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.
I realized that my faith foundation was crumbling. As a person who believes in Jesus, I have learned through reading the Bible and talking to others with spiritual wisdom, that God ultimately is the one in control. He doesn’t expect us to be in control and have all the answers. However, He does hope that we will lean on him for support, grace, and answers. I realized that I needed to lose my control and rely on His control.
You don’t have to react to everything that bothers you
Now, if you don’t believe in God or Jesus, or anything I just said, I can understand that. It can be hard to believe in tangible, visible things around us- let alone an invisible almighty being. I believe what I wrote in the last paragraph is as true for you as it is for me, and I really hope that you will get to a place of believing that too. However alongside that, this is also true at its core: don’t let your emotions drive your actions. Emotions are really strong, I think we can all agree with that! They can lead us to do things we swore we would never do, or never do again. For me, I default to anger when I’m losing control- yelling, being snarky, swearing, slamming doors and drawers, not receiving anything you have to offer me but simultaneously expecting you to accept every word I say. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud. But I am human. So are you.
So as hard as it may be, try to practice not letting your emotions drive your actions. Yes, pick and choose your battles; there are things that are important to speak out about in an appropriate and respectful way. However at the same time, we don’t need to react to everything that bothers us. This is a truth that I am working on implementing… slowly lol
As always, here are some of my suggestions:
- Check-in with yourself: Be honest with yourself about how you’re doing. You won’t be able to be honest with anyone else until you do.
- *Breathe: Slow. Your. Breathing. Down. Can’t stress this enough. One of the first things most counselors will preach about is the importance of deep breathing. Deep breathing slows your heart rate down, reduces stress, lowers your blood pressure, and can improve sleep. The reason is because deep breathing causes the brain to release endorphins, which naturally calms you down. Therefore, take 5 minutes daily, while your washing the dishes, or using the bathroom, to actively practice deep breathing.
- Count to 5 slowly as you inhale; hold for a second or two. Then slowly exhale for a second or two longer than your inhale. Good job 🙂
- Reach out: When you find that you are losing control, reach out to at least one person- one confidant. It’s so important to express your feelings. If you don’t have that one person to talk to, reach out to me. Yes I clearly have my issues (lol), but I can set them a side for a moment, to listen to yours. That’s why I’m writing to you: to let you know that you are not alone, your feelings are validated, and I care for you.
I pray that as we all endure this season, with Covid-19 and other burdens that we’re carrying, that we can give ourselves grace when we lose control. I pray that we won’t be too proud to go to God with our problems, and will go to each other as well. 
Keep pressing on,
-Amanda
*For more information on the benefits of deep breathing and its effects on the brain check out:
- neurocorecenters.com
- Download Mindfulness Coach in your App Store [I highly recommend this tool for all individuals, especially for social workers/counselors to use with their clients :)]
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