“I’m [NOT] Fine”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

This interaction is as natural as breathing. How often do we lie to ourselves and others by saying “we’re fine,” when we know that we are the opposite? A more accurate statement, or sometimes exclamation, would be “I’m NOT fine!” However, sometimes people can pick up the “not” in the tone of our voices, even if we we’re not saying it out loud. Why then, do we often feel the need to mask our feelings when we’re not, in fact, fine?

 I think there are multiple answers to this question. Many of us may feel when asked how we’re doing, that people are either being polite or making conversation, and don’t expect a whole novel about our lives. Another possibility is that we feel it takes more time and energy then it’s worth to explain what we’re going through; Or by the time we talk to someone face to face about how we’re doing so much time has passed, and we’re either over the issue, or possibly just numb to it. Sometimes we don’t want to feel what we feel, and definitely don’t want to work through it- much easier to sweep it under the rug, right? Other times we may simply feel that people just couldn’t understand, since they live in a perfect world according to their pictures on social media.

There are times, however, when the reasoning may be more serious: What if people judge me? What if they think I’m crazy? What if I am crazy and there’s no one who can actually help me? What if they don’t believe me? Or, what could happen as a result of what I share?  Personally, I have struggled with all of the above possibilities. As I mentioned previously, I live with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (a.k.a. OCD), which, in a nutshell, is like anxiety on speed. So, fear and trust plays an important role in why I  hesitate to share how I’m actually doing. 

Regardless of the reasons why we may hesitate to share how we are actually doing- we need to start sharing how we are actually doing. Stuffing our feelings down inevitably will make things worse. The stress may cause us to lash out at others, not be able to sleep at night or focus at work, or may make us physically sick. Even just talking to one person, (a friend, parent, co-worker, counselor, etc.), could make a world of difference. The person doesn’t have to be an expert in what you’re going through to lend a listening ear and provide support. Often times we find that we’re not the only ones struggling with relationship issues, comparison, work issues, mental health, grief, trauma, honestly, whatever the problem may be.

On the flip side, we need to create an environment where sharing feelings is welcomed. I do appreciate that society is changing and becoming more conscious of emotional and mental health needs, but we could still do better. Also, we need to not shy away when we suspect someone isn’t as “fine” as they claim they are. Yes, this does take time and energy out of you to sit and listen, but if the roles were reversed, isn’t that what you would want? Although it isn’t our job to fix people and be mind readers, we can still be aware of the big silent [NOT] in the middle of that “I’m fine” statement. How?

1) Pick up on voice tone and body language- if someone is verbalizing that they’re fine or okay, but their tone of voice sounds sad or their appearance is stressed, worn out or angry, that is an indicator that something may be wrong.

2) If it turns out that they are not so “fine”- (surprise, surprise), then take the time to listen. Again you don’t have to be an expert to say “I’m sorry you are going through that,” or “What can I do to help?”, or if appropriate, give that person a pat on the shoulder or a hug.

Remember no one expects (or shouldn’t expect) you to have all of the answers and fix their problems. Honestly, sometimes we are offering advice and solutions too much when we need to just be quiet and listen. Sometimes all someone may need is silence, and just a person willing to sit in the moment with them. 

Don’t down play your feelings. There are times when venting to a confidant is not enough and we may need additional help. Like I wrote at the bottom of my home page- don’t be a “hero”- you don’t have to go through what you’re going through alone. Please research and reach out to your local mental health services. As someone who has both participated in therapy and been a therapist, I can honestly say that it can change your life. 

Keep pressing on,

-Amanda